Lest I sink
Into theatrical destructive fantasy
I have no feeling toward
My imagination, which has me dying
A thousand different ways, palaces of
Destruction, fading to dust every single second
Reborn into something more when I am affected
Why does it mean so much
It’s a complicated question
I guess the first time you get that horrible feeling
That life is so utterly painful and never goes according to plan
That plans inevitably backfire anyway, so even if it worked you are
Left shaking your head in bemusement at what could possibly go wrong
Or that the right doesn’t feel as right as it should be
Such is the arrogance, pathos, ignorance, misunderstanding
Sign language and shattered vessels I love writing about
People swept into a moment they barely understand
Doing what they never expected and thinking about it
In the aftermath as the conclusion plays out suddenly
Beyond the control of the box they drew themselves up in
So what is it, what was your pressing question
What did you want to know, by interviewing me
Did you see some kind of spark of life beyond
Even my interior sight, where I think I see so far
And so deep
Within my own mind
And the unkindness around me
Where oh when did it begin
Maybe it was alone in my driveway
The old house
Listening to them scream at each other
As a kid you ask yourself if
Things are going to last forever
Happiness at the end of fairy tales is eternal
Sadness at them fighting seems like it might
Last forever, so imagination is my refuge
I talk to myself and wear a shoelace around my neck
And everyone on my block may think there’s something off with me
I might be caught by the girl next door acting out invisible action movies
On my deck, all that stuff happens, and it doesn’t bother me long
Because the invisible world makes me happy. And you grow up and
The world presses all this nastiness onto you.
And I ran away so deftly before my teenage years,
but eventually the venomous monster swallowed me too
the hopelessness disease
the culture free suburb where I came of age
with the movie posters at the bus stop and the imitation Chinese voices and the racism and the hatred ignored and pushed aside but said with pride by those who did deride.
And it’s a respectful thing, to be hateful at the barber-shop. It’s respectful to be afraid, because all the afraid people on television are successful, and the afraid rappers make rhymes about killing people and get the girls and the riches, and the commercial says this product will ease the pain.
You drink to numb the truth, because the truth is we’re all alone, sometimes. Sometimes there’s love and sometimes you’re bothered by something that won’t go away.
Whether it’s death or rejection, the pain finds you. And our society has no solution for the pain aside from consumption. So off we go into the rich galaxy, pilled up and high, dissatisfied.
I heard salvation in music, the same way the invisible world was like a warm blanket. I saw God at the end credits of movies I loved. I recognized I was sinking, and I hurt some people, like you often do when bleeding from the eyes. I regretted and tried learning from the regret, but now there’s just this hostility that creeps in. I’m too short, I’m too skinny, I’m not an alpha male. Why, why, why, why? Why? Why am I never good enough? Sometimes I think we’re all running around blind. Sometimes I think it’s all some sort of comedy, best viewed from the distance. Oh, but I can see my senselessness. I don’t always get sucked in. Patience, forgiveness, love, and understanding will rule my life. Even if the barbarians stay eternally at the gate.
My invisible world.
Why does it matter? Because it set me free, free of charge. It did not require a debt. It did not lead me down an abyss.
Laugh with me, at the foot of the great hole that sucks our soul.
It’s all imaginary, it’s all in our heads.
There’s nothing really happening, aside which we believe. What we believe shall define us. Let us be defined by the goodness. Let me be free of the harm, the harm inside, the harm outside, the harm that is not my bride.